For a believer, prayers are powerful means to petition for God's providence, to praise His mightiness, and to thank for His protection and provision. Though I have returned to God's corner, I still find prayers, especially mental prayers, to be problematic from time to time. I have no problem with praising Him or thanking Him, but I struggle with the asking part (I do the asking using mental prayer. Why let the person next to me confused with all my petitions?). There is something in me that prevents me from asking. It could very well be pride. To determine, I have decided to chronologically write down my prayer process over the last year or so. So here it is.
In the beginning, most of my prayers resembled the language of a well-drafted business contract. When I pray, I didn't want any loose ends out there so that God would use it to deny my petitions. Now this was a lot of work. This is when you have to think through everything before presenting to God in prayer. I definitely can say one thing that I gave special attention to hide my true intentions during these petitions.
Since I don't want to tell you exactly what I was praying for, let me use the need for a car as an example to illustrate the point. My first attempt involved making God understand how important it is for me to have a car - not for my sake, but His. With a car, I will be able to come to Church everyday, thus giving Him glory and praise. By being at the Church everyday, who knows, I might even be temped to spend some extra cash there in the form form lighting candles or I might be moved enough after experiencing the Eucharist to throw a few bucks into the poor box.
I learned quickly that God is not too keen on my offer to add on to His glory or state of His finances. So I began to spin it on my family. And the prayer went somewhat like "get me this car so I can help them better. It's not for me, but to save my kids from walking to school and to help my wife with grocery shopping". I tried my best to be a good family man whose only intention was to help my family to have a better life. How much more selfless a man can get? Needless to say those prayers went nowhere either.
I, then, went on to use humanity, God's beloved creation, as my next pawn. I told Him that I have decided to give up my ways as a selfish and arrogant human being. So if God would help me with a car, then that would allow me to start a new business venture, and with His ample help I would be making a killing doing it. But not for me God, I don't need all that money. I would be more than happy to use lion's share of the those profits to help out those in need. I would go anywhere my private jet or my luxury yacht would take me. Then I came to find out God has granted Bill Gates that job already.
Recently, I have been praying for myself. It is not easy, but I am learning the ropes here. It started out as asking Him for four wheels, two leather seats, a V6 motor, an automatic transmission and a chassis to attach everything on to.
When confronted with my prayer problems, a priest once told me that I was making praying too difficult for myself. He told me that praying should be a natural thing, like breathing; when you force it, it becomes uncomfortable. Prayer is my private time with that somebody for Whom nothing is impossible. But I must also understand that He also knows the true intentions of my heart - He is not just the almighty, He is also all-knowing.
Prayer is not asking God to change things around us, it is asking Him to bring change within us. I need help changing my point of view - from looking at how things around me impact my life to how my life impacts everything around me. Perhaps my troubles are there to show me the futility of the direction I have chosen in my life. He could be asking me to look at things from a different angle and to recognize how He is making way for something better, something much much better, something according to the wisdom and will of the Creator of this universe. I shouldn't be too concerned about asking God for what I want as long as I am willing to accept whatever is given according to His will. How could the plans of a merciful, benevolent and loving God could be any worse than those of a selfish, arrogant and prideful myself.
Nowadays, I stare at a picture of the car, exhale, then stare at the Crucifix. It's not much of a prayer, but I believe He knows what I am trying to say. I think I might even have seen Him smiling at me from the cross the other day. Then again, it could have been my teary eyes playing a trick on me.
"Do not be astonished at the difficulties one meets in the way of mental prayer, and the many things to be considered in undertaking this heavenly journey. The road upon which we enter is a royal highway which leads to Heaven. Is it strange that the attainment of such a treasure should cost us something? The time will come when we shall realize that the whole world could not purchase it." - St. Teresa of Avila
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