It is Funny if You Think It is #3

Where is God?

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.
Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"
The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.
The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.
The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"
To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.
The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

The Choice

There was confusion at the Gates of Heaven, something has gone terribly wrong. St. Peter checked everywhere, but he couldn't find the name of the person standing in front of him anywhere; the man has died before his time and now he is awaiting judgement. Jesus was called in to solve the problem, and the man was given two choices, either return back to earth or come into heaven. The man chose the later, he didn't want to go back to earth, he thought it would be too much trouble to walk around as somebody risen from the dead. 

Satan also heard about the confusion, he couldn't believe that Jesus offered the man heaven without considering his past. So satan came flying in and disputed the decision, he felt that he too have a right to take this man to hell. The matter was taken up to the Lord our God himself, and He gave the man a choice, the man was allowed to pick heaven or hell for himself. Now the confusion was upon the man and he said to God, "how could I make that choice Father for I don't know what's better, I have never experienced heaven or hell". God agreed and told him that he could spend a week each in heaven and hell, before choosing one. 

The man was welcomed in to heaven first, and it was beautiful. It was nothing like he ever experienced, no words could explain it. He lived there for the next seven days surrounded with bliss and serenity. Jesus came to him on the seventh day and asked him about the experience, if it is something he would like to have for eternity. The man immediately said yes, he didn't even want to see hell, he said that he has already made his mind up about staying in heaven.

As they were talking, a limousine pulled up to the heaven's gate and several beautiful looking women came out of the limousine. The man has only seen women like that in movies and magazines, and they were holding a big sign welcoming him to hell. He was was surprised, all his life he wanted to meet women like that but never could. Now here they are, waiting for him, he even saw one of those woman holding his favorite brand of liquor. He turned to Jesus and said, "Perhaps I should go by the hell just to see it, else it is not fair to satan. But I promise I won't stay there, not even a day. I will be back in heaven before you even know it". He ignored the grief in Jesus' eyes and hurried over to the limo.

Hell just blew the man's mind, it was a never-ending party. Everywhere he looked, there was lots of good food, liquor, drugs, every kind of women he ever dreamed of. He couldn't believe it when somebody came and told him that it's been seven days already, it only felt like an hour to him. 

Soon he found himself before God again, it was time to make a decision. And he chose hell over heaven, he had no doubt, hell was nothing like heaven, hell had everything he ever wanted. He once again ignored the agony in Jesus' face and ran back to hell. He felt something wrong as soon as he entered hell, he felt the scorching heat and suffocating smell of sulfur was everywhere. There were no beautiful women or loud party music, instead he saw scary looking creatures crawling all over the place and screams of people in utter pain. Then he saw satan, approaching him quickly the man began to complain. He said, "I don't understand, looks like I am in the wrong place, satan. I need to get back to the party hall". Satan looked at him with amusement and said, "There is no party hall, you fool. That was just our marketing department putting up a show for you. Who would ever want hell if I show them what it actually look like". The man couldn't believe what he was hearing and satan continued as the man began to cry, " You know, I have to tell you, I have been using the same ploy since the beginning of creation, the false hope that there is something better out there, something better than what God offers, and humanity falls for it every time. They always trade in eternal happiness for temporary self-indulgence". At that, the satan left the man, leaving him to suffer the pain and torture that awaits him for eternity.

Finding Faith in a Bedpan

An early morning a nun was driving to a nursing home where she volunteered regularly. She ran out of gasoline in her car on the way, the road was less travelled and she couldn't find anybody to take her to a gas station. So she walked to a gas station some distance away. She explained to the clerk her situation and asked to lend her a gas can. Unfortunately,the station was all out gas cans, so both of them began to look for a container large enough to take some gasoline back to the car. They couldn't find any container big enough. The clerk then remembered about the bedpan he purchased the day before to give to his elderly mother who was bedridden. So he filled up the bedpan with gasoline and gave it to the nun along with a funnel, who took it and walked back to her car. She was really exhausted by the time she returned to the car, so she put the bedpan down and crouched down next to it to catch her breath.

There was a man walking down the street, and he saw the nun putting down the bedpan and crouching down next to it. This man was heading towards the railroad tracks nearby to commit suicide. Life hasn't been good to him, failures followed him all his life, and he was on the brink of losing his home to foreclosure. He tried many times to turn to God, but had a hard time believing. So that morning he decided to end all the madness on the railroad tracks once and for all. As he watched the nun crouching down next to the bedpan, he immediately thought that the nun had "to go", and it made sense because there were no places with restrooms near by. But he was a bit surprised by her decision to relieve herself into a bedpan on the side of the road. He was curious and decided to watch the nun to see what she is doing next. 

A bit later, the nun felt better and she got up and opened the cap to pour the gasoline from the bedpan into the gas tank. She made a sign of cross and prayed that there should be enough gas for her to get back to the gas station. The man couldn't believe his eyes as he watched the nun. He said to himself, "I have heard that Jesus turned water into wine to help a family in distress, but I never believed it. But if He is going to turn urine into gasoline to help this nun, then I will not need no other proof that 'For men this is impossible, but for God all things are possible' (Matthew 19:26)". The nun finished pouring the gasoline from the bedpan, got back in her car and drove off. The man also turned around and walked back home with a firm belief in the almighty, all powerful God for whom nothing is impossible.

The Preacher and the Taxi Driver

A preacher and a taxi driver died and went up to the heaven at the same time. St. Peter greeted them both at the Pearly Gates and told them to follow him as he takes them over to their residences in heaven. They walked up to a huge mansion on the top of a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. St. Peter pulled out a set of keys and handed it over to the taxi driver and said the mansion was all his to enjoy. The preacher got excited as they walked to his residence, he figured if the mere taxi driver gets a place that big, his place is going to be even bigger. But they came down the hill and began walking through a forest, and finally came to small shack in the middle of the forest. St. Peter handed the preacher the keys to the shack and said it was all his to enjoy. The preacher couldn't believe it and he asked for an explanation. St. Peter said it is only a matter of justice because the taxi driver helped more people to turn to God. The preacher began to argue, after all he spend his entire life preaching the Word of the Lord while the taxi driver didn't even go to church regularly. So St. Peter explained, "you are right about the taxi driver, he was not a good man at all, on top of it he was a really bad and reckless driver as well. So anybody ever took a ride in his taxi, prayed. On the other hand, anybody ever listened to you preach fell asleep".

It's Funny If You Think It Is #2

Recently, while allegedly going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding
a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, 'Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?'

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, 'Moses!' in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked, 'Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

'Well,' said the president, 'every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!' Again the president yelled, 'Moses!' and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, 'You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?'

The man leaned over and whispered back, 'Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.'

Creation

A group of scientists working on cloning achieve a breakthrough and so they come to God and say, “God, we have developed your power and learned how to make men out of clay just like you.” God replies, “That’s amazing, show me.”

So the scientists gather a pile of dirt to begin when God stops them and say, “No, no, no. First, create your OWN dirt”.